Jokes

. The first rule of the Alzheimer's Club is... wait, what club? I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you. I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside. Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking outside the box. My therapist says I have trouble expressing emotions. I can't say I'm surprised. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. My memory has gotten so bad it has actually improved my social life. I keep meeting new people. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you. For some people that's a very long sentence. The problem with common sense is that it isn't. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. The universe is under no obligation to make sense to you. Reality continues to ruin my life. A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, miss a couple of car payments. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. The good thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a beautiful day. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. The dinosaurs looked at the asteroid and said, "That's a problem for future generations." Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. The easiest way to find something lost is to buy a replacement. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila. Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrongly enough. Science-flavoured: The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Evolution gave us anxiety so we'd remember where the tiger was. The Sun is a plasma donation centre with no closing hours. The Earth is the insane asylum of the galaxy. The speed of light is why you never see anyone having a good idea. Scientists have discovered that the universe is made of protons, neutrons, electrons and morons. Dark matter: astronomy's way of saying "something weird is happening." Entropy is just the universe tidying up in reverse. Humans are carbon-based lifeforms running on water and anxiety. The brain named itself. Elon/Money style: Elon Musk is speed-running a billionaire playthrough. Venture capital is borrowing tomorrow's excitement. Wealth is converting luck into a personality. The stock market is a device for transferring money from the impatient to the patient. Cryptocurrency is the first asset class whose users pray for tweets. Billionaires are proof that numbers can get out of hand. Every app eventually becomes a bank, a marketplace, or a mistake. The future arrives gradually, then all at once, then needs a software update. Silicon Valley is what happens when engineering meets caffeine and investors. ...... .. Some short science-flavoured jokes that have circulated widely on Reddit and similar communities: Astronomy I need space. — The Sun. The Moon is going through a phase. Saturn married Jupiter. The wedding had rings. I tried to organise a space party. It was out of this world. Black holes suck. Physics Never trust atoms. They make up everything. Entropy isn't what it used to be. A photon checks into a hotel. "Any luggage?" "No, I'm travelling light." Heisenberg was speeding. "Do you know how fast you were going?" "No, but I know where I am." Biology Mitosis is where the cell splits hairs. A biologist broke up with a physicist. No chemistry. DNA walks into a bar. RNA says, "You look copied." Evolution is survival of the fitting. Mathematics Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet. The statistician drowned crossing a river with an average depth of one metre. Infinity is a long argument. There are 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary and those who don't. Money Money talks. Mine usually says goodbye. I invested in debt. The returns are outstanding. My bank account and I have a long-distance relationship. Compound interest: Einstein's eighth wonder, your bank's first. Elon Musk Elon Musk named his kid after a CAPTCHA. Elon bought Twitter so he could edit reality. Elon doesn't have shower thoughts. He has shareholder thoughts. SpaceX: turning explosions into press releases. Elon Musk is what happens when a tech forum gets venture capital. Science in general The shovel was a groundbreaking invention. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense. The Higgs boson walks into a church. The priest says, "We don't allow Higgs bosons here." The boson replies, "But without me, how can you have mass?" Very Reddit-style My IQ test came back negative. Technically, alcohol is a solution. I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it. I'd tell you a chemistry joke, but I know I wouldn't get a reaction. Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't. ... A great many of Reddit's highest-rated jokes are variants of old pub jokes, anti-jokes, and one-line absurdities. Here are examples in the same spirit that have repeatedly attracted very high scores: "My grandfather said my generation relies too much on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support." "I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear." "A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair." "I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was young." "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot." "I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places." "I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming like the passengers in his car." "Two fish are in a tank. One says, 'How do you drive this thing?'" "What's brown and sticky? A stick." "I used to be addicted to soap. I'm clean now." "The rotation of Earth really makes my day." "I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant. Then I changed my mind." "Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere." "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me." "I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing." "I sold my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust." "Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet." "My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort." "A termite walks into a bar and asks, 'Is the bartender here?'" "I told my suitcase there would be no holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage." A recurring pattern on Reddit is that the most upvoted jokes are often not elaborate. They are usually: 1. Short. 2. Immediately understood. 3. Slightly dark or absurd. 4. Based on misdirection. Some classic Reddit-style two-liners: "I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo." "The cemetery is so overcrowded that people are dying to get in." "I used to hate facial hair. Then it grew on me." "I named my dog Five Miles so I can tell people I walk Five Miles every day." "My neighbour knocked on my door at 2 a.m. Luckily I was still up practising the drums." "I failed my audition for the cannibal orchestra. I couldn't find the right organ." "I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day." "I told my computer I needed a break. It said: 'No problem, I'll go to sleep.'" "Never trust atoms. They make up everything." "The guy who invented autocorrect died. May he restaurant in peace."